It’s been a long time since I put an entry into my blog and somehow I feel as though I am losing touch. It’s been 155 weeks since I last saw my ex-husband and 137 weeks since my divorce from him. There used to be times in the beginning when I felt as though that I couldn’t breathe without him, moments of total despair.
To me he had been the oasis of my life and I his “saraab” his ever elusive mirage. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him, even if it were the ultimate sacrifice… me. I know I am sounding off as a bit neurotic but that’s how I am anyway.
I remember his smile and feel its warm glow shower upon me, his laughter as a tonic and his voice rolling out my name as a gentle caress upon my body. The phrase “missing him” doesn’t even come close to explaining how I felt at our separation. I am sure I felt worse than a drug addict at the height of the withdrawal signs. My life as I knew had come to an end.
I never expected to recover or get over him, at least not this soon. But then again in some ways I doubt I would ever get over him. Some things a person never forgets. But like I always say…life goes on and if we don’t catch up it will leave us behind.
Life through my eyes seems like a new world to me. I feel awkward and totally out of place at times. I try and cope with whatever life has to throw my way but then there comes times like yesterday when I came across a letter that I had received from him after I had returned, dated three years ago. I couldn’t help it but my carefully erected walls of security crumbled down to the ground and tears of total despair welled up and poured down my cheeks. I struggled hard to compose myself, even tried reasoning but it was to no avail… those betraying tears just kept coming. After a while it all subsided and I lay there red eyed and subdued. I honestly couldn’t figure out the reason for my sudden out burst.
I guess the saying that “time heals everything” isn’t as true as it is made out to be. The wound I found was not healed but scabbed over only to feel raw again and again once the scab is scrapped. Time is not a healer but it sure gives us time to forget it and dull the pain to make it bearable.
Having said all that, I just hope that I don’t have episodes like that in the future ‘cause I don’t think I can afford to wallow of years gone by for I have moved on. All I can do is raise my hands in prayer to God to help me.
“ Allahumma innee a’oozubika minal hammi wal huzni wal ajzi wal kasali wal bukhli wal jubni wa-ghalabathi’ dhaini wa gahri’ rijaali “
Ameen ya ra’bil alameen
J .!. N N .!.
28th Feb 2008, 20:35hrs
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